My therapist asked me what I have learned. She was referencing my years of sustained abuse and felony conviction, and my experiences of attempting to dig myself out of a hole with obtaining multiple degrees and attempting to navigate a landscape that closed a lot of doors to me due to the felony conviction being of the violent nature.
In the moment I didn’t know what to say. I still don’t. I know that resilience is a skill, not a trait. It is a skill that I have developed over my 41 years on this earth. Something I would say that I certainly am elite in. I have reinvented myself through education and hard work.
This was not easy to do as I was certainly on a bad path that was going to end with me in prison. Somehow, I was able to pivot hard in the other direction and funnel that energy into my learning. The motivation was mostly due to having just become a father. I can’t say that I honestly make those changes if my daughter did not come into my life.
I have found a way to create structure in chaos. I did this as a kid trying to survive my home life, but even as an adult this is true. With all the jobs that have been rescinded, the volunteer opportunities denied, and the uncertainty of opportunities in my adult life, I have created systems that work within that complexity. This has made me a better coach and analysts for sure.
I have learned to be capable even when I feel incompetent. I have continued to push forward and learn new skills, oftentimes self-taught, even when I did not know what I was doing at all. My father had a way through words and fists that made me feel powerless and worthless. Despite that I still got up every single day and did my best in the classroom and on the field.
The motivation for my hard work has always been hope. The hope of getting out of my violent household, getting a good job, and being surrounded by friends and family. When my father didn’t pay the school bills, and I was forced to withdraw that hope was taken away. Hope motivated me, but rage fueled that motivation and gave me the energy needed to endure.
When hope was gone, there was no more motivation, but the rage remained and grew stronger. I was arrested a few times for violent crimes during this period. People can forgive drug addicts, thieves, drunk drivers, but the forgiveness does not exist for those of us that have committed violent crimes. This is true even though the research shows that after 5 years of not committing a crime, violent offenders are no more likely than those never convicted of a crime to act violently.
I got that hope back and went back to school and stayed out of trouble, and I assumed at some point society would forgive me and let me move on with my life. Society had no problem turning a blind eye to the abuse that I suffered as a kid, but for some reason can’t turn a blind eye to the mistake that I made 21 years ago. The decrease in opportunities due to this mistake has eroded a lot of the hope that I have for the future. It has significantly impacted my lifelong earnings, especially with the student loans that were required for me to get a bachelor’s and a master’s degree.
I won’t lie, there are times that I regret all the effort that I put into getting to this point. I had in my head when this journey started that it would take 10 years. I had no idea that 21 years later I would still be trying to claw my way back.
The question I continually ask myself is “Does any of this matter if I don’t get to where I want to be eventually?” I know it is the only thing that gives me a chance to get there. If I didn’t try, I certainly would not get to that place.
I do know that the hard work has taught me quite a few skills that are necessary to get to where I want to go. Getting the outcome, I want is a matter of luck, or right place right time. Does getting that outcome or not getting it change the skills or validate them for me? The skills are the skills no matter what, and they are things that no one can ever take away from me. Someone can take a job away, but no one can take my perseverance and resiliency away from me.
That is why the reward of the hard work is the hard work.